Long time no see.

A few months have passed. I have a lot to say, but never enough time to say it.

I'm still not "good", but I'm "better". I'm still trying to come to the terms of Scott's death. He was my everything. I visit his grave at least weekly and keep it full of flowers and decorations. The hardest part of it all is the outlook on life I've been having. I keep thinking that I'm not allowed to love or trust, because every time I try it's ripped out of my stubby little hands without warning. It's just not fair. People always say I'm "strong", well...it's all bullshit. I'm weak. I'm just really great at putting on the game face and getting over it to move on with life. It's not strength, it's just acceptance. There are three men in this world I've ever trusted, Ryan Dunkelberg, David Moreland, and Scott Estes. One is dead, and the other two are dead to me. I trusted them all, and in their own ways, they are now out of my life. Of course I have people I love now, Callie Burrows and Alexis Sixkiller, Jordan Wilson, Mikala Ross, and Cheyne Romero. Samantha Smith, Thomas Hilbert Sofi Rossainzz, Alex Kitchens, Nathan Crawford and Cody Lusby. But, notice that they're all either girls, gay, just friends, of would rather choose drugs over my problems any day. I realize you guys and gals are there, but I often feel so alone. I feel like I'm always trying to please someone, or bothering you all when I say I need you. To be honest, I don't know what I need, what I want, where I'n going, etc. All I know is that I'm terrified. Utterly terrified.  In a matter of days, I'm going to my hometown in Texas to see old family and friends, then I'll be home for a bit, but shortly after, I will be packing up and moving to Kansas for college. Part of me wants to call this a new start and delete my facebook, change my name and number, and never look back. Part of me wants to never come back to this house simply because it isn't home, nothing is home to me, and the only thing that has ever felt remotely close to one was ripped away from me. The other part of me wants to stay in touch with all of the people I listed above and write them letters, call, and visit them often, but it's just so tiring and exhausting to constantly be trying to please people. Everything I sat and do has to be run through a filter in my mind to make sure it's okay to say that, to make sure I won't hurt anyone. Do you see how that could drive a person insane? To have a title like "the strong girl" to live up to. It would be so much easier to be "the insecure one", or "the depressed one", because then when I say things I have an excuse to have a breakdown, or a mistake, or a little breathing room to my actions and words, but instead I have to be strong and optimistic always or I feel like a failure. And when I am sad, people always think, "it's okay...you've been through so much". When am I ever allowed to feel just as depressed about a boy as any other girl would? One with a mom and a family? Am I allowed to feel fat just because? Will people ever stop filtering how they react to me in order to fit my standard of living? 

I can't change my past, but I feel like I need a completely different future, because I am not happy. I am not strong. And the way I'm dealing with things now are not okay, at all. 

I know I need change, I know I need help.

But I feel like there is no one to help me.

Angst angst, and more angst.

Rule # 2 of Theatre Production: Nothing is ever "Yours".

Rule #1 of theatre production: You're not late until Nichols finds out.

ESPECIALLY YOU MEREDITH. ESPECIALLY YOU.

Ketchup.

Hey world...

I know it's been awhile, so prepare for me to rant.
I'll start off with Scott. Remember the guy I posted about awhile back, Scott Estes? Well...he died. I wish I could flower and sugar coat that and say he "passed away", but that's not how it is. "Passing away" is for 96 year-olds...or a family dog or llama...No...Scott died. At the age of twenty. I love him and he's gone, and to be honest, I haven't even come to terms with it yet.

He was in the hospital for 26 days prior to his death, completely unconscious. I wrote this the day after his accident. The details are all there.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Last night, I had a long talk with God. And my friends, he was listening. I always tell my friends that I don't believe in him. Or that I don't know what to believe. Well, I'm a coward. The fact of the matter is, I denied he existed when everything was fine, but when one thing went wrong, the first thing I did was got down on my knees and started praying. Praying to God. And he always listened. But if I keep denying him in front of my friends, he will deny me.

   32 Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.

33 But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.

Call me ignorant, and stupid for believing in something...but I need it. I need something to believe in for my health. I need to know that someone has a plan for my life. That there's a reason for all of this shit I go through. That my pain and suffering is all going to be healed one day. I need it, and if you are my friend at all, you would understand that.

Most of you know that this is sparked by a recent accident that occurred yesterday morning. The man I consider to be my everything, my brother, my best friend, my hopes, my dreams, and the man I need in my life, fell through a skylight while working. He took the majority of the blow to his head and right side of his upper body. All of his ribs on his right side are shattered. His neck is broken, lower back, broken...right lung collapsed. Left lung filled with fluids and blood. Broken hand, and extensive brain damage. His right side of his skull right above his temple was crushed, causing severe bleeding of the brain in three places. His condition is not the best, but we are all praying for his strong spirit to get him back on his feet again. I know it will. We all love him, and prayers are going up all over the United States and in other countries for him to be well again.

Scott Alex Estes was born on March 19th, 1990. He grew up in Tulsa and joined the United States Air Force at a young age, ready to serve our country, and keep all of you people from ever having to wear his uniform and say "Yes Sir!" He went to school through the Air Force getting his Associate's degree in HVAC, (the people who keep you warm when it's a blizzard, and cool when it's a desert, therefore making Oklahoma the perfect place to work, am I right?) He worked for other companies doing his job, but snagged the job with Airco this past summer. He was excited considering that Airco is one of the best companies in the country when it comes to Heating Ventilation Air Conditioning. He came into my life then too. We always knew we were so much alike it was creepy. Everything from how much we love the sound of a fire, to how good french toast and macaroni can be together. I spent almost every day with him, he told me when he was scared, I told him when I was hurt. And somehow we ended up laughing every time it was time for bed. We went Starbucks all the time, and I would make fun of him because he got the "hot fudge sundae with lots of caramel" drink, while I got coffee, but he was just as sweet as the drink he ordered. He is just so fantastic. Everything about him. His strength, beauty, divine love and passion for what he does to save lives. He wants to be a firefighter and a daddy more than anything on this earth and I want to give him that. I want to give him the world because he deserves it, and the world deserves him, the world needs a Scott Alex Estes. Heaven can have him later, but he was put here for a reason, and he cannot be taken away...not yet. He is my brother, he is my best friend. No one that is reading this will ever understand my relationship with him. All I can tell you is that it is a love like I've never felt before...A love that I am not ready to let go of. And I will not ever give up fighting for. I will take the advice that I know he would give me and put everything into God's hands. I'll pray and pray and pray for his strength to bring him back to us. We all love him. Keep praying for him everyone.

I may not be a family member. I may not be his girlfriend, and I may be young, immature, and seem that I'm not thinking before I speak. But that's just the thing. I don't think...I just do.. I go with what my heart tells me to do. It's another thing that Scott and I have in common. When's the last time you took a chance? Stopped thinking, and just did something because it's what YOU felt like doing? We all tend to take life too seriously, and let this be a lesson that life is too short to take seriously. We all have things to do. But as for me, I wanna grow old and be happy...doing what I want for me. Taking all of your criticism as an opinion you're entitled to, but not as something I'm going to live my life by. I'm me. Scott knows me, I know Scott, and it's nobody's gosh darn business what I do with my life, is it? He knows he holds my heart, he knows. He always will. 

When I take all of that into consideration, all as I'm staring down at his lifeless face, watching his life beep across a screen...I know there is hope. And it's hope that no one here on this earth can give me. It's a weight that no human can hold on their shoulders. It's something only God, the God who took my momma away from me...The God who took my Nan away from me...The God who I know does what he does for a reason, and I know Scott has a reason to live, so please...trust me when I say I need to believe. And those of you who do...I need your prayers. I'm calling out for help....I can't lose him, I just can't. He is my everything. I love him. I can't lose him like I did my momma...not like this. It's going to be a long road to recovery, but I'm willing to be there every step of the way Scott. God, give me a miracle, give me my Scotty...give me my Batman...my heart needs him. Please...anyone but him. Not him. Please.

26 days and over a million prayers later and he's dead. Gone. Bye. He had a funeral and his body was embalmed and buried in the ground to decompose and that it all.

Sure, when I talk to people I'm strong and say, "Everything happens for a reason...and he lived a good life...or now he's with God..." And, I believe all of that. But saying that, and being strong doesn't fill the gaping hole in my chest, or the feeling of my stomach falling out of my butt. It just doesn't fix it. He did live an amazing life. I could go on for hours about the man and what he did in my life in the short time I knew him.
A few of his other friends like to point out how short of a time that was. I realize that I didn't know him as long as they did, but that doesn't mean that what I shared with him didn't mean anything. It did. I love him, and he told me he loved me often. I can't explain or justify what kind of love that was...we were trying to figure that our for ourselves...

Don't get me wrong...I know I wasn't going to marry him or anything, but I could definitely have seen him in my life in someway for a very long time. We had a lot in common, and he helped me with a lot. I looked up to him in many ways, many people do, and always will.

His funeral was weird...his body was embalmed badly...the covered the mole on his face with makeup. I love that mole. He needed a haircut, and couldn't they do the man a favor and shave his face?
 Guess not. Instead lets  put a flag over his casket and then fold it up and hand it to the mother that hasn't been in his life for the past eight years. I feel bad for his mom. She raised such a great young man...it's a shame she didn't even know who he was since the time he was a little kid.
A burial with full military honors is one that will take your heart and put it in a garbage disposal and turn it on high...all while being beautiful. Every one of those gun shots felt like a bullet in my heart. The bagpipes were like little demons laughing at my soul for ever trying to love again...and he trumpet....was the voice of an angel, telling me they'll take care of Scott. Guess this is where that whole "Faith" thing steps in.


Part two: Foundation.

I'm working on building myself back up. From everything. I've spent my whole life creating myself  from the deaths of my family members eight years ago, I had this image of strength. And I achieved it. That's all people ever tell me, "You're so strong!" Well, I don't want it anymore....take your strength back. I need a better foundation. My "strength" was based off of pity. The one thing I always said I didn't want...I've been crying out for all along. I lie..I manipulate...I judge. And I get strength out of it. I'm such a bitch. The things I do and say to people make me stronger. I'm a selfish, heartless, bitch.
 Which is why it is time for a new start. I need to learn to meet people and talk to them with expecting pity within the first ten minutes. The worst thing about the pity I desire is that's it's classified as a false identity of strength pity. I tell people things to make then feel sorry for me for a split second, and then claim that I've overcome it all! Look at me! I don't need your pity! ...and suddenly they think "Wow, she's SO strong..."  See what I did there? Cunning eh? Well...this is where I learn to change that.

"Hello, my name is Meredith. Tell me a little about YOU."

There.

I can do that. get to know people before I throw myself at them. Maybe stop being so damn self-centered for once? Yeah. I'll work on that. That's a start.


Part Three: Stress.
High school is stressing me out. I have a terrible case of Senioritis. I'm in the middle of my last musical to do in high school, and tests are coming up. I fall asleep in class a lot. Meh.

Finances. Ugh. I'm so broke. Because of Scott's accident, funeral, and the musical, I am only working like one day a week..essentially meaning that after taxes, I owe money to my job.

Health. I haven't been to a dentist since I was 6. I have two decaying teeth, tons of cavities, an out of place jaw and severely painful teeth. I've had a sinus infection since November, and I think my body is slowly decaying. I'm always in pain.


Part Four: New Life.

Here are all of the positives in my life!

I'm accepted, enrolled, and financially READY.FOR.COLLEGE.


        It feels great to say that.
I'll be attending Southwestern College this Fall, majoring in Theatre with Emphasis in technical. I am so excited.


I'm going to church regularly again, renewing my faith in God, and feeling great about all of it.

I'm trying to make better decisions as I enter adulthood.
I've lost ten pounds since Christmas. :)



I'm done ranting for now. I now remember why I blog. I feel SO much better. Shower time :)

Love you all.

Frances Inez Chavers

Happy 43rd birthday Momma! You left in flesh when I was nine, but you're in my heart all the time. I'll be seeing you again someday, we'll fly high together, but until that day, I'll stay here on earth, show them what I'm worth, making my momma proud as she watches from her cloud, I'll join her some day then the world will look up and say, "Life is short, live it. You never know when It might be taken away."

It's been awhile.

There's a lot I could post about, but it's late. So here's some humor. Found this on Adam Young's blog. I love him.

THE TOP TEN RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME EXCUSES FOR CALLING IN TO WORK:

01. “I was spit on by a venomous snake.”

02. “Someone put LSD in my salad.”
03. “A groundhog bit my car tire, causing it to go flat.”
04. “Sorry, I won’t be in for three days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to the Bahamas… darn ship left with me still on it. Captain refuses to turn back.”
05. “I won’t be in today. My home is flooded and I’m currently standing on the dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks.”
06. “The blankets were too heavy for me to lift this morning and I was stuck in bed all day.”
07. “I lost my car keys skiing and I can’t leave until I find them.”
08. “Someone dumped a truckload of sand in front of my driveway so I won’t be in today.”
09. “I am stuck in the blood pressure machine at Wal-Mart.”

10. “Hello, I’ve used all of my sick days and I’m calling in dead.”

MLK, Blonde, Clean Life.

Afternoon Blogger,

I've had a laid back, but overall good weekend. he good stuff made up for the bad stuff. Friday night I spent time with Scott. We went to Starbucks then back to his place to fill out college stuff. Meh. Scott is an amazing young man. He'll be twenty one in March, and I consider him a role model, He's just fantastic, and I'm lucky to even know him, let alone call him my best friend. Here he is.
I took this picture. I'm proud of it.

Anywho, Saturday was spent cleaning my room and doing laundry at the laundry mat with Scott, then we went and got lunch at Which Wich, which was really good. Later that night I went to my best friend Alexis' house, but went home early to sleep.
 Sunday, I cleaned my car out, worked a ten hour shift, then spent the night with Alexis. We played Just Dance 2, the best game in the world, dyed our hair back to how it used to be in '08. I'm missed this length, and these colors. Here's how it used to look.

 But, I exalted much bravery and did my bangs this time.

Auditions, Sinus Infections, and Snow.

Good morning...or evening...which is it now? Oh, it's evening...right.

Well, it's been awhile I guess...I've been sick all week :/ Sinus Infection, Upper Respiratory Infection...fun, right? No. Last weekend was a blast however, despite the illness. I went to a sort of "dance party" thing with some of my best friends. We had a great time, and I cannot wait til' I'm eighteen and can go to clubs all the time. Fun stuff, yo. Also this week were auditions for this year's musical, Little Shop of Horrors. I did the dance audition on Monday, even though I felt like poo. I sat and watched the vocals on Tuesday, and planned to sing on Wednesday, but well, it's Wednesday, and I'm not singing about anything. :/ Instead, I stayed home all day sleeping, sinus-washing, nose-blowing, soup drinking, crying, and watching Schindler's List and The Social Network. Both great movies, by the way. I hope I'm well enough to go back tomorrow, no matter how much I'd rather stay OUT of the 7 degrees weather. My high school has an outdoor campus, sort of like a college, so walking to class with a wind chill below zero is not pleasant. When I was a kid, snow was fun, not anymore...now it's just slower driving, colder cars, being sick, and frozen hair in the morning. Boo.
Obviously when I'm sick, I'm not going to dress all cute and go take blog pics in the snow, so I took some with my web cam reppin' the Michael Jackson tee. Baha. Enjoy :)

Bake half of the cookies! Does that mean we cut the time in half?! -Ashley
Who calls it catchup? I CALL IT CATCHUP. -Meghan
FUCK! I hate when people call me when I'm playing Robot Unicorn Attack!
That 70's show and Golden Girls is pretty much how I learned English. -Sofi
Traggot?-Ashley
Old men gossip, they do...they do.
Don't watch porn, honey I have crabs, why do you only have one ball? I'm screwing your sister, What?! -Things
Hopper has the most perfect boobs in the world! ...wait no..Callie, yeah..Callie's are pretty perfect.
Two girls one cup has failed me once again...-Sofi
Everyone's gonna put masturbate-Erin

Ready for a change.

I got my ACT results in and got a 26. I'  happy with it, but I know if I study, I can do better. I'm ready to start applying myself more. Musical is coming up, and I'd like to tackle the stress to come in a positive manner. I need to keep my priorities straight in order to prepare for college. I'm so ready for college, I graduate in 5 months, FIVE. And, they will be the slowest five months of my life, but I'm going to make the best of them. Recnently, I've seen a lot of people hitting the gym, and they've inspired me. I'm currently charging my iPod in order to go work out. I want to get in shape, get long hair, and raise my GPA and test scores. I would also like to go to college for free. Please and thank you. :) Now to go burn my fat ass off. :)

I would like to live here please.

Also, I need a day to myself very soon. A day where I turn off all electronics, and just spend time with me. I need to find out who I am and what the hell I think I'm doing. It'd be a great day.

Much Needed Uploading, Secret Mice, and 2011.

Oh hey there. So, my friends always see me with my nice camera, and they're like "Meredith, you never upload! Blah, Blah, BLAH!" Well, truthfully, I don't. The reason being that I don't have a card reader, so I have to use the desktop computer at my house to upload, and I'm like NEVER home, and when I am, I'm curled up in my bad on my laptop :) So, to my friends. I am currently uploading pictures to Facebook. I'm also putting some pictures I've taken over the last few months to this blog. So enjoy the trip down memory lane as we go into 2011. One of my New Years' Resolutions is to NOT let my camera's SD card reach its full capacity before uploading pictures...maybe just halfway...:)

I hope everyone had a great Christmas break. Mine consisted of sleeping and working. I worked open to close on Christmas day and I am patiently awaiting the rather large check that is headed my way. It will be nice to drive without the feeling of "I could run out of gas any second now..."

For Christmas I received a microwave and money for new clothes. It was a joy to spend on nice things just for me. Sometimes a girl just needs to shop, alone. For her.



The purpose of the microwave? College. Which could not get here faster. I graduate high school in five months. I remember being a kid in middle school and being referred to as 'The Class of 2011', and I always thought it sounded so far away... like space...have I mentioned just how much I hate space? A lot. It's freaky...a lot like the future. Not that I hate the future. I have a plan, I just hate not being confident that everything will be okay. I mean I know it will...but do I really know anything? No. So maybe, I'm not scared of the future, space, or ostriches...but more or less intimidated by their power. They all have the power to change everything. Except Ostriches....those are just...hmph.

Sometimes I wonder about faith. I wonder what I believe in. People around here have this elite "love for God" that sometimes I wish I could possess a love that strong for something...anything...but I can't. I can't love like I want to. I did love, I have loved, and I will love again, just not now. I just can't. I don't even know who I am. I really miss my mother. I know the very few people that actually read this have heard my "dead mom" jokes. And yes, I do play the card a lot. But most of the time it's to cover up how much it hurts. She really was a fantastic woman. She loved AC/DC, Lynard Skynard, ZZ-Top, and Bad Company. Dr. Dre was our thing. We used to always cruise around our tiny town with the windows down blaring Dr. Dre. And she would let me say the bad words. People didn't understand us, and in society it is often frowned upon to allow your nine year old daughter to know all of the words to Colt 45, but it's not society's business what my momma and I did in our spare time, now is it? She loved me, she gave me food, water shelter. We'd talk about boys, wrestling, and Oprah. She was my mom. And most of you take yours for granted. I don't have a family anymore. But, it has prepared me on how to make my own. I cannot wait to be a mother. It's my dream in life. Sure, I gotta go through all this school, college, job stuff just to survive long enough to afford a family, but it's worth it. I was forced to let go of my mother at an early age. I never knew my father, and my closest relatives were my second cousins by marriage. But, that's just fine and dandy, I'm happy and ready for my future. I know it will be a good one. And maybe I don't believe in much, or love...but I'm believed in...and loved unconditionally by her. Always, no matter what you think of God, she's here. Whether she's a figure of my very bright imagination, or a "guardian angel", she's mine. She got me where I am. She and my Nan, who dies three moths before her, and was the structure in my life. She taught me to care for others more than I care for myself. I'd give the world to thank these two fine women. Some of you should thank yours. Momma, Nan, I made it. I'm grown up and I see the big picture. I love you and I thank you for everything you ever did for me in the short nine years I had you. Even the spankings. Those sucked, but I needed them. I hope I'm doing a good job at this whole life thing. I like to think I am.

Now that I am done being all nostalgic, I had a marvelous Christmas break. I slept a lot and spent a lot of time with my Great Aunt (whom I refer to now as Grandma), we baked a lot of cookies, watched weird shows on The Food Network and The Science Channel til' 3 am every night, and talked about things we did together when I was a kid. Those are my favorite stories. I was a weird child. Not much has changed.

About my outfit here. Yes, I wore this skirt two days ago. I will also wear this skirt at school tomorrow. Boo school. Yay new skirt. I like it. no I did not wash it nor did I spill stuff on it or pee my pants, therefore I have no reason not to wear it again. Ha.

These were taken at the Philbrook Museum in Tulsa. I went there a few days ago with Callie, Thomas, Sofi, Sam(boy), and Kelsey. They are marvelous. It was marvelous. First time being there, and I loved it.

The new combats! No, they aren't Doc Martens, but they were 6 dollars. So I bought them and used the other 44 dollars to but other things, like my new red skirt. You may have seen me wear it, maybe not.

Callie was my photographer for the day. The pictures turned out wonderful. thank you my lady.

These are my new Bambi earrings. Aren't they precious? I love Disney Movies. They always make me cry, and I love crying. It's a thing I do often. But I am in no way depressed by that fact.

Skeleton Gloves

The lovely couple Sam Regan and Callie Burrows. They are twins. Vegan, Long hair, and oh so skinny. Perfect for one another. I adore them.

It's getting close to midnight, and school starts back up tomorrow. I better get to bed. I can't wait to see everyone at school tomorrow. I've missed friends and people. And of course Mrs. Nichols and her bright, shining, face. I'm sure she can't wait to see us :) Musical try-outs in one week! I need to pick a song! Comment your suggestions. I'm an Alto and the musical we are doing is Little Shop of Horrors. Goodnight Lovers and Haters.

I think ass is fine!