Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Long time no see.

A few months have passed. I have a lot to say, but never enough time to say it.

I'm still not "good", but I'm "better". I'm still trying to come to the terms of Scott's death. He was my everything. I visit his grave at least weekly and keep it full of flowers and decorations. The hardest part of it all is the outlook on life I've been having. I keep thinking that I'm not allowed to love or trust, because every time I try it's ripped out of my stubby little hands without warning. It's just not fair. People always say I'm "strong", well...it's all bullshit. I'm weak. I'm just really great at putting on the game face and getting over it to move on with life. It's not strength, it's just acceptance. There are three men in this world I've ever trusted, Ryan Dunkelberg, David Moreland, and Scott Estes. One is dead, and the other two are dead to me. I trusted them all, and in their own ways, they are now out of my life. Of course I have people I love now, Callie Burrows and Alexis Sixkiller, Jordan Wilson, Mikala Ross, and Cheyne Romero. Samantha Smith, Thomas Hilbert Sofi Rossainzz, Alex Kitchens, Nathan Crawford and Cody Lusby. But, notice that they're all either girls, gay, just friends, of would rather choose drugs over my problems any day. I realize you guys and gals are there, but I often feel so alone. I feel like I'm always trying to please someone, or bothering you all when I say I need you. To be honest, I don't know what I need, what I want, where I'n going, etc. All I know is that I'm terrified. Utterly terrified.  In a matter of days, I'm going to my hometown in Texas to see old family and friends, then I'll be home for a bit, but shortly after, I will be packing up and moving to Kansas for college. Part of me wants to call this a new start and delete my facebook, change my name and number, and never look back. Part of me wants to never come back to this house simply because it isn't home, nothing is home to me, and the only thing that has ever felt remotely close to one was ripped away from me. The other part of me wants to stay in touch with all of the people I listed above and write them letters, call, and visit them often, but it's just so tiring and exhausting to constantly be trying to please people. Everything I sat and do has to be run through a filter in my mind to make sure it's okay to say that, to make sure I won't hurt anyone. Do you see how that could drive a person insane? To have a title like "the strong girl" to live up to. It would be so much easier to be "the insecure one", or "the depressed one", because then when I say things I have an excuse to have a breakdown, or a mistake, or a little breathing room to my actions and words, but instead I have to be strong and optimistic always or I feel like a failure. And when I am sad, people always think, "it's okay...you've been through so much". When am I ever allowed to feel just as depressed about a boy as any other girl would? One with a mom and a family? Am I allowed to feel fat just because? Will people ever stop filtering how they react to me in order to fit my standard of living? 
I can't change my past, but I feel like I need a completely different future, because I am not happy. I am not strong. And the way I'm dealing with things now are not okay, at all. 
I know I need change, I know I need help.
But I feel like there is no one to help me.
Angst angst, and more angst.

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